so this post is going to sound really weird to alot of you, especially since just a couple of days ago i sounded like a love struck school girl. 

I have often been praying that I will trust completely in God. That God will give me the strength to get over this feeling, and to completely trust that my future is in His hands. I have had this feeling for this certain boy before. But year after year i have gotten over it quickly. This year, it seemed to take months. BUT i think im finally there. Im over it. Im over him. 

crazy eh. i seemed to like him alot just days ago, hours ago even. and yet today when i spent more time with him i found that i was over it. i AM over it. somehow by spending more time with him, God used the strengths of our relationship to help me overcome. 

We troll each other, we make fun of each other, we talk about the future, and yet i have always been myself. i have never pretended to be anyone else, and i realize how comfortable i am around you. we joke about future husbands and wives, we talk about having our own children, and about me marrying a fine black man. And yet i realized that today, i was enjoying the conversation. i wasnt lying, or pretending to feel something that i wasnt. i wasnt being cautious and i wasnt looking for a reaction from you. 

we are the perfect pair of friends. we get along well, you read me like no other, we have jokes where words are not necessary, and we are pretty low maintenance. it hit me like a ton of bricks today that IM OVER IT! i dont know how to describe it. kinda like the time i realized when i had completely forgiven Mike- no hatred, no anger, nothing. When i think about you now, i feel content, pleased, burden free. i dont want anything more, and i dont expect anything. 

Yesterday i would have wished that you would have found my blog, read it, and find out. but today, i thought about it, and i realized that if you ever found out, i would be devastated, because that would mean something would change between the two of us, and that would break my heart.

would i be okay with you dating someone? i want to say 100% yes, but for now it would only be 70%. i would miss spending time with you, since you would probably be busy pursuing this relationship of yours, plus i wouldnt want to be that “close friend who is a girl”. i think that is dangerous territory. But i would be glad for you, i would be happy that God has found someone to put in your life, and that he has given you the confidence and strength to pursue her. 

i write this with a smile on my face. IM OVER IT! for now at least. perhaps God will change my heart, and perhaps yours later on. Perhaps God has more planned for us together than we can ever comprehend, or maybe not. But I can see my kids playing with yours, my husband chatting it up with you, and your wife and i being the best of friends. i am very content with that idea, and im look forward to that day. i am confident that His will and His plan for me is perfect. For right now, you are my brother in Christ, and thats all i want of you. The Lord has finally given me the strength and the opportunity to move on and once again He has reminded me to pursue nothing except the relationship that i have with Jesus Christ.